Facing Demons

It struck me as interesting that today’s “Zero to Hero” challenge was something I already do:  Day 26: Go Mining for ideas, and Start Some Drafts

I brainstorm for things to write about every few days.  I have an “Ideas” folder that I pull from when nothing is pawing at my imagination begging for attention.

I add them to an ever-growing list, and I often write the name Cindy. 

I always remove her.

To this date, I haven’t been able to talk about everything that went on while I was with Cindy for more than a few minutes at a time.  My wife gets snippets.  Sometimes I have to ask her not to do or say something because the memories that come flooding back are over-whelming.  Sometimes we are in the middle of doing something mindless and it reminds me of Cindy.  And then I briefly tell my wife a “Cindy-story”.

This blog entry, this post, will be the first time I try to explain it to you.  I assure you, it won’t be a long post.

It’s been over five years since I left an abusive relationship. 

I had lost myself completely.  

I was systematically broken down until I didn’t know who I was any longer.

She alienated every friend, every family member, so that she could keep me away from any kind of support system.

A few months into our marriage, Cindy decided we needed counseling to fix me.  The man we picked suggested that we each also see another separate counselor individually.  Cindy stopped seeing hers immediately because she wasn’t hearing what she wanted to hear.  And we stopped seeing the joint counselor shortly after that because she said we were ganging up on her.

It made Cindy insane that I kept going to my person, because she couldn’t control me there.  We fought about it constantly.  Whenever I had an appointment, I would return home, and my house would inevitably have less bottles of wine in it.  It would also have a wife cocked and loaded for a fight.  She couldn’t stand not knowing what I had been talking about, and worse, what someone else had been saying to me.

During one appointment, Dorothy, the amazing psychiatrist I was seeing, was talking about how important Respect is in a relationship, and she said something like,

“I don’t think you feel like you’re respected in this relationship by Cindy”

and I said,

“I” <pause> “don’t respect me in this relationship”

and Dorothy hesitated a few moments, and said,

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“That was a sad thing to hear…”

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and I hesitated a few moments and said,

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“It was a sad thing to say…”

 

 

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